I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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