i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
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I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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