I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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