Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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