Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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