Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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