my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
