so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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