Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
