After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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