After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
