forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
