4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
