thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
