if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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