The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
