you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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