Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
