my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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