i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
