So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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