God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
