Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
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a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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