He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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