I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
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He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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