I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize