Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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