Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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