Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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