I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
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Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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