why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
