I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
this boner is exhausting
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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