Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
