im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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