the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
