I could make wine with my vomit
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
