are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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