She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
