Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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