Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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