we have officially lost it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
