i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
