turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
