You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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