Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
