She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
