these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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