i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
