Four minutes until I can fart!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
