If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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