Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
