I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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