dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
