sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the raccoons are back...
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