our cab driver is having phone sex.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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