i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
