Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
