Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
