How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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